I froze , directly in front of me were two eyes , they were a revolting mix of yellow and brown like fresh puke . I felt a surge of power , it was adrelanin . My body was getting ready for a fight .
Maybe it hadent seen me yet , i was engulfed in darkness how could it of seen me . I was kidding myself , of course it has ... at that moment the eyes got bigger , whatever it was it was comming closer . it was when the eyes were as big as apples and i felt vile breath tingle around my face did i acted .
i punched as hard as i could, my fist scraped against scally skin , it was a Dungoun troll .,A defening raor shook the walls of the sewer , and it was angry . an arm as thick as a log colided with my torso sending me flying towards the walls , the impact of my weight angainst them crushed my spine .First the pain held back like a pack of wolfs judging the power of its prey , then it dicided i was no match and the pain burst through my system , I felt my power fading then i died .
or atleast i thought i did for just before i went into eternal sleep my mothers face appeared in my mind , she too was taken by a Troll , all my life i wanted someone to blame for her death and now i found him and what did i do , die my self . No , i was still alive . The pain began gnawing at my system pushing me down ,i allmost heard a voice saying its over , that was what got me fighting , another surge of power ripped through my system , my hands shook with this new found power . this was not Adrelnin for adrelanin could not make a boy with a broken back stand up , and throw himself at a troll . and win .
what happend under the city that night remains a mystery .
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,782 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well before I properly dive into things I do have to say that the number of spelling mistakes present here is a bit high. Normally I'm not one to go around pointing that sort of thing out since its very easy to spot with autocorrect but here there's enough to distort the meaning so I just had to point it out. Besides that problem though, I think you've done a solid job setting the scene here, it certainly does enough to get our attention as readers.
Ok well this is the start of a pretty neat fight scene, I think you're doing a decent enough job in terms of the actual moves you're trying to go with but unfortunately some of that description towards the end gets a bit confusing and this time it isn't even quite because of the spelling. A second look there seems like a good idea.
Okayy...well that's a decent touch of mystery there to end and as someone who does love a good touch of mystery I think that does a wonderful job of bringing this together and tying it up, but once again it is plagued by the same issue the first couple of paragraphs were so on the whole this piece just needs a thorough polishing up.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Right . ok i feel i have to say somthing cause you probably spent more time ediding my thingy than it took me writing it , thanks . and ill do the stuff you say
This was an interesting concept, but as people said, it needs some revision.
You use commas instead of periods here. I should read: I froze. Directly in front of me were two eyes. They were a revolting mix of yellow and brown like fresh puke.
Also, this uses alot of short sentences. The first one works, because you're descriping a very abrupt action (freezing), but the use of them afterward, takes away from the effect.
Here you also use commas where there should be periods, but that's not my biggest nit pick. You tell the reader exactly what is going on. It's okay to tell them that the person's energy is up, but the matter-of-fact tone "It was adrenalin. My body was getting ready for a fight" simply sounds a little forced.
Maybe you meant "act" here? Or "that I acted"? As it is, the grammatics aren't correct.
How do you know? Instead of just saying it that way, could you possibly combine two of the thoughts and make it "My fist scraped agains the scally skin of a Dungeon Troll"?
Once again, how do you know? You mention later that it was painful, but wouldn't it make more sense to feel the pain FIRST and then realize that your spine was broken?
You use a very matter of fact tone here as well. Perhaps you could find a way to say this without being quite so blunt.
Mentioning the fact that his mother was killed by a troll here seems a bit out of place. It would have flowed along with the story better if you had mentioned it back when he first realized that it was a dungeon troll.
Also the puncuation is extremely confusing here. I would probably rewrite it as: Or at least I though I did, for just before I went into eternal sleep my mother's face appeared in my mind. She too was taken by a Troll. All my life I wanted someone to blame for her death and now I found him and what did I do? Die myself.
I like the way you put this thought together, although once again, the puncuation needs some work. It should read more like: This was not adrenilin for adrenilin could not make a boy with a broken back stand up, throw himself at a troll... and win.
Over all, this is a great idea. You've peaked people's curiousity (or at least mine) with the last few lines. You just need to watch out for three things:
1) using commas where there should be periods. (Periods end a thought, commas add onto it)
2) You need to make sure that you capitialize the first letter of every sentence and the word "I".
3) Try to avoid "telling" the read things, such as "It was a dungeon troll".
This is a pretty good plot but like everybody said it needs some editing and revising. Remember always capatalize an "I" when it is by itself.
Also remember to put it through the spell checker that will take care of a lot of mistakes.
this was done by my buddy at school. Any way I still liked it but the grammar needs to be improved a little bit, that would make it great!!!
Well, it was definetly a cool subject and has potential but i'd say a little revision and slight editing would do it good. Spaces in the writing, sentence structure, and flow, apart from the technicalities though, it was interesting and i'd like to read more. Ever Onward.
~Torpid
There are a few mispelled words, but otherwise it was pretty cool.
Is that all you have?I would like to read more!